What do I think of this year?

I know, I'm late with this, but better late than never!

Well, I think this year was better than the previous one. Why do I think that? Well, let me explain that to you!

I got less bullied this year and finally got over my depression, which I had for a year. I've made new friends and I even got someone to share my life with.

He's not my boyfriend yet, but we're very close already. Remember the Antonio I told you about? Well, that's him! We are both in love with each other. I confessed my love to him two months ago. He told me he felt the same and I was very happy about that.

I began smiling more and my life was a lot more worth living! He's the one that helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I know him. Without him I might still be sad. He gave me the strength to move on. I just had to believe in it that everything was going to be alright!

I also started to try my best on studying and I got good grades. I've fought for it to pass this school year, and hopefully I'll pass. I will go to OVC when I do and make new friends and new experiences. Nobody knows me there, so there are all new children and new chances.

I'm looking forward to meet new people and get to know them! I'm going to try not to be invisible in the class, like I always was. I'm going to try to be less quiet and I'm going to do my best!

(sorry it's late) random blog

Even when I just cried, I can put up a smile. Just try to smile, it will heal a little of the pain. I've been moving on for a while already, and I've left the past that was making me sad behind me. 

Sadly I still have some problems like being forced to do things or someone calling me names. I also try to get a little accepted, but some just can't seem to just accept me as who I am, sadly. Still feel a bit lonely at school, but I guess that'll change when I go to OVC..

I hope I'll get some peace. I hope I'll be accepted as who I am. I am quiet, but I'm strong. I'll be myself forever and always. Whatever they tell me, I'll never change. This is me and this is how I'll be for my whole life. Go ahead and hate me, for being me. 

The only thing I do is listen and help people, the only thing I do is caring for others, when other people aren't around, the only thing I do is trying to be accepted.. I know it's hard to be loved by everyone. It's actually impossible. Everybody has at least one hater. I'm not perfect, maybe that's why? Maybe it's just that I'm hurt too fast? Maybe because I'm shy.. Maybe it is because I am myself. How should I know?

I am Sidney Noëlle Elia, and I won't ever and I mean EVER change.

Elemantary School.

Hey there,
Sorry for the late blog, but yeah...

Elemantary School wasn't the best. I only had one true friend. His name is Dion. I've met him when I skipped 3rd grade and moved over to 4th grade. I had a crush on him, for a little while though, because I was liking many guys in the past. Sadly, I wasn't popular at all. Nobody liked me back, so I always ended up with nothing.

When I was like four years old, I was a little of a problem child. Not all my fault, because I have ADHD and I could get agressive because of that. I was always hitting classmates and also pulling their hair, if they had enough hair on their heads to pull it.

I had to do 'Kanjertraining' to make myself a better person and i went from agressive to the opposite. Sadly, I got insecure and nobody was scared of me anymore. I was the weird one and also the youngest one when I skipped third grade. Nobody liked me and I was just some kind of freak, I guess...

I've felt alone at elemantary school. Even cried because I once went to some friends, but no one was home. I really felt like I was standing on my own.

The teachers didn't really notice, I guess. I guess I was hiding it all.

Later on, last year of elemantary school, my foot began to hurt and it was a bother to me. I couldn't participate Gym Class because of that and people kind of thought I was just whining like a baby, but honestly, I was in pain. I didn't knew why my foot was hurt, but I didn't care, it was pain, pain is bad.

So, yeah.

After Gym Class... I always walked home alone, just crying. My best friend even said I was just whining and that I just had to get up and participate. I didn't move a muscle...

Also, I was not really that 'normal' girl they were speaking of back then. In their eyes, a normal girl should wear pink and hate boys. I even played with my brother his Action Man figures and I also loved wearing dresses though, but I just couldn't get along with girls. I always ended up trying to join the boys with whatever they were doing...

They didn't like me most of the time though, but they let me join sometimes.

This was my blog about elemantary school ;3

Hey!

Hello!

My blog is completely random, but hey, who cares?

Okay, plans for may. Uh, I don't have any. And why? Because I have to work on school and blah blah blah. So for three months, there are no friends coming over and when I don't have homework, I have to do boring things like reading! Sometimes I just can't take it anymore! They think it's because of my friends! I was just lazy and that was the problem.

I'm honest! So yeah.

I wish I had more to tell, but the only thing I can tell is that I have to make homework and stay home. It's all my fault.. If I did my best this year, this problem wasn't in my way. But this isn't solving anything at all!

I feel lonely, I miss my friends, and most importantly, I can't have fun. I didn't even met with my friends that much. I didn't even met some friends yet, they are all skype friends who live near my place.

I'm so frustrated, because I have to miss everything. I know that life isn't only about having fun, but it also isn't only about school.

I feel so sad.

This isn't fun for me, this isn't fun for anyone.

"It's the best for you." No, it isn't! I just made friends, and now you won't allow me to get to know them more? Now you just leave me here in my room, all alone, while at school it's the same? Just studying, no fun.

I feel caged inside this house. I can't meet friends, I can't make new friends, I disappoint my friends...

I feel like I've lost them a little.

Yay!

Screw depression, i'm stronger! Don't cry about the past, it won't change when you do! Don't cry about things you won't be able to fix at the moment, and most important, don't cry on your own... They were right, everything's gonna be alright!


I only had to believe in it! I now have a best friend who cares about me and loves me (as a friend of course) His support keeps me holding on to the good memories. I also love him in the same way! We have much in common and I like that! He hates Nickelback and Pokémon though.

But yeah, who cares? He can be who he is, I don't even care when he hates Taylor Swift, but he doesn't, haha! We are both random  and we like to make videos.

I don't know if I will ever like him someday, but life can be full of surprises, right? We both listen to all kinds of music. It's like I just found a twin brother. Because of him, I'm going to do my best to be happy, and luckily, he always makes me smile! He has never been mad at me and I am glad he never was. He accepts my past and he understands me too, even though he does not always know what i have felt! But yeah, I have felt really broken at first, but he gets the pieces of my heart back together.

 Thanks for being there for me, Antonio, you're a good friend!

Happiness.

I finally moved on a little and I'm smiling more :D So yeah, I am the Sidney that everyone missed again. Well, everyone that knew me before I was sad.

I'm very sure that everyone would tell me that I have to settle down, but hey, I don't give a damn about what they tell me anymore! And no, this is not me being angry, it's me that is standing on two feet again.

So, if people tell me things like 'Sidney, stop being so hyper', I'll just secretly give them the finger saying that I  don't give a damn. Yep, I'm not using bad language, because that's just me!

I'm happy that I am the Sidney that laughs and smiles again. No, that doesn't mean that my shyness is over and no, it doesn't mean that I am not quiet anymore. Because honestly, I'm still quiet at school, because I wouldn't be really accepted by others when I show my ADHD side.

I guess I have to take slow steps to my inner self and then see how it goes, right? Because if I'll never try I'll never know. I just have to give it a try :)

Yeah, that's my blog then. I hope some people see themselves in what I wrote and maybe follow my path :)

Things I always tell myself.

I always tell myself things to keep from crying...

I tell myself that I don't have to cry about things I can't do anything about at that moment. I've tried to keep that in my mind and surprisingly, it went all well.

I also told myself to stop being too nice and stop being a doormat. I have to stop hiding from things and just come out, showing my feelings. I need to be a bit more bossy with some things.

Then I said to myself that I had to stop being so shy and make some friends, what I did. I have no regrets of doing that. I actually found out that I was good at making friends, as I got so many friends in a little time. Everyone likes me :D

So, yeah, I actually taught myself a lesson and I promised I won't change. I didn't actually changed, I just made myself a better person, you know. Changing is more like from man to a woman. Changing is like everybody else is doing right now, while I remain the same.

People really change a lot, and it actually really pisses me off right now. I wish everybody was being themselves and not some kind of actor that is just playing around.

Most of the people will say I’m wrong, but just look at yourself, aren’t you the one who’s wrong? Aren’t you the one that changed? Look at yourself before you judge me is a rule that you have to follow before you can even start to say that you know me very well.

Yep, that’s it.

Written on paper.

Some people are saying it's lame to write things like stories, poetry or songs. But trust me, it isn't.

Since I've been through rough times, I started to write stories. I began with a book, which I am now translating in English. I've wrote some stories, but never completed one, except the book I wrote about myself that I was writing for like a year.

But that's not all, because I also write poetry often. They are about how my life is most of the time and they're in English often. I just don't really like to write in Dutch. English sounds much better.

I'm also writing songs since I was eleven years old. I was just expressing my feelings for boys in my songs, because I couldn't help but writing it all out to understand myself.

I actually wrote everything about myself to understand myself. That's how I handled everything I went through. I seriously went through hell, but the stories, poetry and songs actually saved me.

My life was a tough life, but I've survived every single burning flame that came on my path to happiness. I've been through darkness, I cried many times, but I moved on and started to see life as something you have to cherish.

No matter how hard my life was, I'll always keep strong...

Trust in me, trust in others.

I started to see myself as a someone. I started to believe in myself and in things my friends would say to me.

I've always been a helper and I'm glad that many people trust me. They would tell me their secrets, knowing that I won't say a word to anyone. I can see through their eyes that they are always relieved when they tell me their secrets, because they always have to keep them to themselves normally, scared that anyone would tell their secrets.

Sometimes there are people I hardly know that are talking to me. I don't really talk myself, but I listen very good. The funniest thing is when I give advise, they would always follow my advise and it's always a success.

The most craziest thing is that I sometimes give advise what I can follow myself too. Sometimes I give advise on something I don't have experience in, but it always turned out that I was right!

People love me for my loyalty. They love me, because I care about them.

I see myself as a treasure chest with a lock. The treasures are the secrets and the chest is a place in my heart that I've made for all the secrets that are told. The rest of my heart is broken, but as long as the secrets are safe, I don't even care about that.

Who I am.

So I tried to figure out who I really was, but I got confused. I thought it wouldn't be possible to be shy and quiet, but also happy and hyper. But I was wrong...

I found out I've got two personalities. It feels like I am two persons. One side is a shy girl with nothing to say, but on the other side there's a girl that talks much and is happy all the time.

I was the shy side most of the time, as people thought I was a weirdo when I was happy and stuff. But my friends are telling me other things. They tell me things like 'you're not weird, you're just you.' They see me as a nice and caring person, because they had the patience to know me.

At first I thought they would see me as a weirdo too, but I was wrong. I mean, why would you waste your time acting all nice to a person you don't like?

My friends tell me to stay myself and I'll keep doing that with all my heart! I'm very glad that there are some people that accept me as who I am.

Now that I know who I am, I can finally tell...

I am very friendly and helpful, but I'm too shy to actually really show my inner self. I always sit there and say nothing, you know. I'm always scared to fail at stuff. I can be very hyper, but I can be calm when I have to and I can be serious when it gets to serious business.

This is me, I guess...

Life wasn't moving on.

I was just a normal girl. I lived a happy and joyful life. But it changed later on...

...My grandparents were having a fight with my parents and since that day, I've never seen them again. I was very sad since that happened, but that wasn't all. I was bullied too.

But I wasn't planning to end my life or something, I was trying to be strong, but I just couldn't. One day, I was crying in pain, while some people in my class were just laughing at me. Since that happened, I was only crying alone for the rest of the year.

People always think I am overreacting, but maybe if they knew what I've been through, they'd understand, right? I mean, I've lost my granddad, my cousin, my happiness and even myself...

I was trying to figure out who I was for months, while people told me who I was. I didn't really believed what they said. Even if it were positive reactions, though. They would tell me that I was sweet and funny, but I actually never believed them. I always thought they lied to me to make me feel comfortable.

I actually saw myself as a useless person, a nobody, a loner...

I didn't had any self respect. And that's how my life was for almost a year.