Happiness.

I finally moved on a little and I'm smiling more :D So yeah, I am the Sidney that everyone missed again. Well, everyone that knew me before I was sad.

I'm very sure that everyone would tell me that I have to settle down, but hey, I don't give a damn about what they tell me anymore! And no, this is not me being angry, it's me that is standing on two feet again.

So, if people tell me things like 'Sidney, stop being so hyper', I'll just secretly give them the finger saying that I  don't give a damn. Yep, I'm not using bad language, because that's just me!

I'm happy that I am the Sidney that laughs and smiles again. No, that doesn't mean that my shyness is over and no, it doesn't mean that I am not quiet anymore. Because honestly, I'm still quiet at school, because I wouldn't be really accepted by others when I show my ADHD side.

I guess I have to take slow steps to my inner self and then see how it goes, right? Because if I'll never try I'll never know. I just have to give it a try :)

Yeah, that's my blog then. I hope some people see themselves in what I wrote and maybe follow my path :)

Things I always tell myself.

I always tell myself things to keep from crying...

I tell myself that I don't have to cry about things I can't do anything about at that moment. I've tried to keep that in my mind and surprisingly, it went all well.

I also told myself to stop being too nice and stop being a doormat. I have to stop hiding from things and just come out, showing my feelings. I need to be a bit more bossy with some things.

Then I said to myself that I had to stop being so shy and make some friends, what I did. I have no regrets of doing that. I actually found out that I was good at making friends, as I got so many friends in a little time. Everyone likes me :D

So, yeah, I actually taught myself a lesson and I promised I won't change. I didn't actually changed, I just made myself a better person, you know. Changing is more like from man to a woman. Changing is like everybody else is doing right now, while I remain the same.

People really change a lot, and it actually really pisses me off right now. I wish everybody was being themselves and not some kind of actor that is just playing around.

Most of the people will say I’m wrong, but just look at yourself, aren’t you the one who’s wrong? Aren’t you the one that changed? Look at yourself before you judge me is a rule that you have to follow before you can even start to say that you know me very well.

Yep, that’s it.

Written on paper.

Some people are saying it's lame to write things like stories, poetry or songs. But trust me, it isn't.

Since I've been through rough times, I started to write stories. I began with a book, which I am now translating in English. I've wrote some stories, but never completed one, except the book I wrote about myself that I was writing for like a year.

But that's not all, because I also write poetry often. They are about how my life is most of the time and they're in English often. I just don't really like to write in Dutch. English sounds much better.

I'm also writing songs since I was eleven years old. I was just expressing my feelings for boys in my songs, because I couldn't help but writing it all out to understand myself.

I actually wrote everything about myself to understand myself. That's how I handled everything I went through. I seriously went through hell, but the stories, poetry and songs actually saved me.

My life was a tough life, but I've survived every single burning flame that came on my path to happiness. I've been through darkness, I cried many times, but I moved on and started to see life as something you have to cherish.

No matter how hard my life was, I'll always keep strong...

Trust in me, trust in others.

I started to see myself as a someone. I started to believe in myself and in things my friends would say to me.

I've always been a helper and I'm glad that many people trust me. They would tell me their secrets, knowing that I won't say a word to anyone. I can see through their eyes that they are always relieved when they tell me their secrets, because they always have to keep them to themselves normally, scared that anyone would tell their secrets.

Sometimes there are people I hardly know that are talking to me. I don't really talk myself, but I listen very good. The funniest thing is when I give advise, they would always follow my advise and it's always a success.

The most craziest thing is that I sometimes give advise what I can follow myself too. Sometimes I give advise on something I don't have experience in, but it always turned out that I was right!

People love me for my loyalty. They love me, because I care about them.

I see myself as a treasure chest with a lock. The treasures are the secrets and the chest is a place in my heart that I've made for all the secrets that are told. The rest of my heart is broken, but as long as the secrets are safe, I don't even care about that.

Who I am.

So I tried to figure out who I really was, but I got confused. I thought it wouldn't be possible to be shy and quiet, but also happy and hyper. But I was wrong...

I found out I've got two personalities. It feels like I am two persons. One side is a shy girl with nothing to say, but on the other side there's a girl that talks much and is happy all the time.

I was the shy side most of the time, as people thought I was a weirdo when I was happy and stuff. But my friends are telling me other things. They tell me things like 'you're not weird, you're just you.' They see me as a nice and caring person, because they had the patience to know me.

At first I thought they would see me as a weirdo too, but I was wrong. I mean, why would you waste your time acting all nice to a person you don't like?

My friends tell me to stay myself and I'll keep doing that with all my heart! I'm very glad that there are some people that accept me as who I am.

Now that I know who I am, I can finally tell...

I am very friendly and helpful, but I'm too shy to actually really show my inner self. I always sit there and say nothing, you know. I'm always scared to fail at stuff. I can be very hyper, but I can be calm when I have to and I can be serious when it gets to serious business.

This is me, I guess...

Life wasn't moving on.

I was just a normal girl. I lived a happy and joyful life. But it changed later on...

...My grandparents were having a fight with my parents and since that day, I've never seen them again. I was very sad since that happened, but that wasn't all. I was bullied too.

But I wasn't planning to end my life or something, I was trying to be strong, but I just couldn't. One day, I was crying in pain, while some people in my class were just laughing at me. Since that happened, I was only crying alone for the rest of the year.

People always think I am overreacting, but maybe if they knew what I've been through, they'd understand, right? I mean, I've lost my granddad, my cousin, my happiness and even myself...

I was trying to figure out who I was for months, while people told me who I was. I didn't really believed what they said. Even if it were positive reactions, though. They would tell me that I was sweet and funny, but I actually never believed them. I always thought they lied to me to make me feel comfortable.

I actually saw myself as a useless person, a nobody, a loner...

I didn't had any self respect. And that's how my life was for almost a year.